【名人名言】美国脱口秀笑话精选
今天的菜单也是名人名言，谁说脱口秀主持人不是名人呢？
1. "Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon
“前总统布什刚刚签订了一项价值700万美元的出书合同，不过，据说，他以为是读一本书的合同。” -吉米·法伦
2. "And police in Mexico found a pickup truck with side panels and bumpers that were made entirely of cocaine. Police got suspicious when the guy had a minor fender bender and claimed $2.5 million in damages." --Jay Leno
“墨西哥警察发现了一辆小货车，车的侧板和保险杠都是完全由Ke Ka Yin做成的。当这辆车的挡泥板被稍微撞弯时，开车的家伙要求250万美元的赔偿，警方就觉得可疑了。” -杰·雷诺
3. "I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson
“我想每个人都应该冷静下来。给奥巴马四年时间。看他是否能有所作为。如果他失败得很惨的话，那我们就会像对待布什一样，选举他让他再做一任总统。” -克雷格·弗格森
4. "Happy Presidents' Day, everybody. As you know, the banks were all closed today. I understand a few are expected to open tomorrow." --Jay Leno
“大家总统节快乐。你们都知道，今天银行是关门的。我想，总会有几家银行明日会开门营业的吧。” -杰·雷诺
5. "Hey, you see this? In a new ranking of US presidents by 65 historians, President Bush came in fifth from the bottom. Of course, Bush was thrilled. That's better than he did in high school." --Jay Leno “嘿，你们知道吗？在65位历史学家对美国总统的最新排名中，前总统布什名列倒数第五。很显然，布什非常激动。这排名比他在中学的要好。” -杰·雷诺 6. "A new poll of historians just came out. And the poll has named former President George W. Bush one of the ten worst presidents of all
time. But on the bright side, Bush was selected second best president named George Bush." --Conan O'Brien
“对历史学家做的一项新的民意调查刚刚公布出来。结果前总统乔治布什被评为十大最糟糕的总统之一。但可喜的事，在名叫乔治布什的总统中布什被认为是第二个最好的总统。” -寇能·欧布莱恩
7. "It's Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday, and to honor the occasion, the U.S. Mint is releasing a new penny that shows Lincoln's house. That's appropriate because that's about how much a house is worth these days." --Craig Ferguson
“今天是林肯诞辰200周年，为纪念这一节日，美国铸币局推出了一枚面值一美分、印有林肯住房的硬币。这很合适，因为现在房子大概就值这么些钱了。” -克雷格·弗格森
8. "I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he'd go, 'Uh, can I have a hint?'" --Jay Leno “我很怀念布什总统的新闻发布会。就像当那些记者问他一个问题时，他会说，'哦？可以给个提示吗？” -杰·雷诺
9. “Meg Whitman, the former C.E.O. of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?" --Jay Leno “前ebay的CEO惠特曼，已经申请竞选加州州长。嗯，这的确不错。我的意思是，加州破产了。如果我们要开始卖掉一些东西筹钱的话，还有谁能比ebay的老总更能胜任州长一职哪？” -杰·雷诺
10. "Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard.'" --Conan O'Brien
“昨天，当奥巴马总统——这是真的——进入直升机时，头不小心撞到门上。新闻报道了这事，当前总统布什听说了这件事后，他说：?看到了吧，这很复杂的，对不对？这不是件很容易的事。不撞到门是很难的。? -寇能·欧布莱恩
11. "It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is?
That's where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package. But very similar." --Jay Leno
“看来有超过13000人被卷入伯纳德麦道夫的庞氏计划中去了。你知道什么是庞氏计划吗？就是你不断地把新钱投到亏空中去，或用政府的话来说，就是经济刺激计划。但是，两者非常相似。 “ -杰·雷诺
12. "On Friday, the Senate agreed to an economic stimulus package of at least $780 billion, which I know sounds like a lot of money, but, remember, that's in American dollars." --Seth Meyers
“上周五，美国参议院同意了一项至少为7800亿美元的经济刺激计划，我知道这听起来像是一大笔钱，但是，请记住，这不过是美元呢。” -塞思·迈耶斯