创新句子:我讲个笑话,如果你们听过,也希望装做没听过,我也这样照顾你们。,演讲就
篇一：演讲
演讲开始时我们有一些共同点,你们不知道我要讲什么——我也不知道.
At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.
作为一个演讲者,我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了,他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了,他们无法一直清醒.
As a speaker, I’ve only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张,但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助.此时此刻,我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体,真的起作用,我不再紧张了,但眼睛有些疲劳.
I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes. 如果我有点儿犹豫,你们一定要原谅我,这是我第一次饭后演讲——在卖当劳里冲我的小孩儿喊叫除外.
If I’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-breakfast speech I’ve ever made ---except for yelling at my mom.
如果你们允许我准备读我的讲稿,我有三个理由：第一,我记忆力非常差——其它两个原因我记不清了.
With your permission, I’m going to do my speech. I’m going to do it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory ?and the other two I can’t remember.
Oh,I just forgot what I prepared to say.So that’s all .Thank you.
幽默演讲——调侃自己（中英对照）
演讲者如何调侃自己
作为一个演讲者,我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了,他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了,他们无法一直清醒.
As a speaker, I’ve only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.
创新句子：你们或者睡觉,或者不睡,只要不打呼噜,我就接着讲.
作为一个讲演者,他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较.当他演讲结束时,也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会.
As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program committee.
幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了,组织者哭得很伤心.
演讲结束时,宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若,优雅地点头微笑着,心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡.
Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.
幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干,有人请他参加一些活动,他还假装很忙,好象推开了很多事才赶去似的.
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张,但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助.此时此刻,我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体,真的起作用,我不再紧张了,但眼睛有些疲劳.
I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes. 幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体,意思是我不怕你们,就不紧张了.
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张,我属于少部分人,我非常紧张.
我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点.
Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can’t tell you how much I admire myself for that. 幽默句子：他因为自己不自负,所以变得非常骄傲.
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负,我希望别人也这么看我.
我先用简单明了的英语演讲,以后我再翻译给律师听.
Let me put this into plain English. I’ll translate it for the lawyers later.
幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言,简单的话都听不懂了.
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本,小学生版本,中学生版本,大学生版本,你是听小学一年纪版的,还是小学二年纪版的?
如果你听过这个故事,请不要打断我,我就知道这一个故事.
If you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one I know. 幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事,讲故事前也可以这么说.
创新句子：我讲个笑话,如果你们听过,也希望装做没听过,我也这样照顾你们.
演讲就象给草坪浇水,如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了.
Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.
幽默注释：有人打呼噜,有人说话,都是正常的,有四分之一观众听就不错了.
演讲开始时我们有一些共同点,你们不知道我要讲什么——我也不知道.
At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.
幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白.
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲,我不知道我要讲点儿什么.
开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目,我现在少讲20分钟,我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目.
Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.
幽默注释：放着现场不看,偏要回家在电视上看.
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者,——他们找到了.第二个原因是那个人病了,所以就打电话把我找来了.
As some of you may know, I’m appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who’s intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.
幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛,其实就是个临时替场.
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣,可为什么没人笑呢?
有人有舞台恐惧症,我没有；舞台不会怎么样我,是观众快把我吓死了!
Some people suffer from stage fright. I don’t. The stage doesn’t bother me at all. It’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!
幽默注释：stage fright舞台恐惧症,而不是舞台吓唬我.
我们每个人都希望能在某一时刻把时钟拨回去.如果我能够把时钟拨回去45分钟,我就是这间房间里最幸福的人,我把演讲稿落在厨房桌子上了.
At one time or another, I think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock. I know if I could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, I’d be the happiest person in this room. Because that’s when I left my speech on the kitchen table.
幽默注释：自己上台前还在刻苦练习,演讲稿落家里了,讲错了希望观众包涵.
我不想吹牛,但上次我演讲时所有的观众都站了起来,他们再也没有坐下,直到走到他们的汽车那儿.
I don’t want to brag, but the last time I did this it brought the audience to its feet. And they never sat down again until they reached their cars.
幽默注释：观众听他演讲,都站起来走了,他还在吹牛呢.
创新句子：我演讲时用一种平缓的语速娓娓道来,观众睡得很香甜.
如果我有点儿犹豫,你们一定要原谅我,这是我第一次饭后演讲——在卖当劳里冲我的小孩儿喊叫除外.
If I’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-dinner speech I’ve ever made ---except for yelling at my kids in McDonald’s.
幽默注释：自嘲自己演讲没什么经验.
创新句子：你可能知道我已经养成了饭后演讲的习惯.
我不习惯面对这么多观众演讲,让我鼓起勇气的一件事情就是我在谈论我最喜欢的题目——我.
I’m not used to speaking to such a large audience. The one thing that gives me courage is that I’m speaking on my favorite subject --- me.
幽默注释：电视上老是邀请一些名人在那儿大谈自己,这些人开场可以这么说.
人们总问我为什么我戴顶10加仑的红色帽子（或者一些其它非常显眼的衣服饰品）,我告诉他们那是我采取的积极现实的生活态度.我知道不管发生什么事情,善良的上帝总在注视着我们.现在地球上有60亿人,我希望上帝能从芸芸众生中一眼就挑出我来.
People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing) and I tell them. It has to do with taking a positive but practical view of life. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd. 幽默注释：多么新颖的创意,戴顶绿帽子就想引起上帝注意.
创新句子：别再说谎了,趁上帝还没注意你.
如果你们允许我准备读我的讲稿,我有三个理由：第一,我记忆力非常差——其它两个原因我记不清了.
With your permission, I’m going to read this paper. I’m going to read it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory ?and the other two I can’t remember.
幽默注释：为自己忘词找好借口.
创新句子：我记忆力不好,我忘了把讲稿带来.
不必要的单词是精彩演讲的祸根,我再重复一遍…
Unnecessary words are the bane of good speeches. Let me repeat that…
幽默注释：这时候重复带来很好的效果.
创新句子：演讲时最忌讳重复,我再说一遍：千万不要重复.
有时候确实让人糊涂,你看见代表举起了胳膊,但你根本确定不了他是在凭良心选举还是在检查他的关节炎.
It did get a little confusing at times. If you saw a delegate raising his arm, you could never be quite sure if he was voting his conscience or testing his arthritis.
幽默注释：有人举胳膊未必是在真心选你.
创新句子：选举时只要我关节炎不犯,我肯定会举手.
对不起,（从钱包里拽出一张纸币,象拿手绢一样,在上面打喷嚏,然后扔掉）如果说我憎恨什么
的话,那就是炫耀.
Excuse me. (Pull a bill from your wallet, handle it as you would a handkerchief, sneeze and then throw the bill away and say) If there’s one I hate ostentation.
幽默注释：炫耀吧,有钱人有炫耀的资本.
创新句子：我不想炫耀,有学问的人不爱炫耀.
你们都知道,在公司里我只要求员工三件事：诚实、正直和崇拜偶像.
As you know, in all these years with the company, I have only asked for three things from my staff: honesty, integrity and idolatry.
篇二：幽默英文演讲稿
篇一：幽默英语演讲稿
幽默英语演讲稿
love your mother
爱你的母亲
why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom?
你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.
because im a woman, she told him.
因为我是女人,她告诉他.
i dont understand, he said.
我不明白.他回答
his mom just hugged him and said,
and you never will, but thats o.k........
妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...
later the little boy asked his father,
why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.
后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣?
all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say......所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...the little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候,
他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.
finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily?
最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣?god answered...... 上帝回答:
when i made woman,
i decided she had to be special.
i made her shoulders
strong enough to carry
the weight of the world, yet,
当我创造女人的时候,
我决定把她造的很特别,
我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是,
却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...
i gave her the inner strength
to endure childbirthand the rejection
even from her own children.
我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛,
也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害,
甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子...
i gave her a hardness
that allows her
to keep going and take care
of her family and friends,
even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without
我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进,
并且照顾自己的家人和朋友,
甚至当每个人都放弃的时候,
她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言...
i gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances. even when her child has hurt her badly....she has the very special power to make a childs boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenagers anxieties and fears....
我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．． 她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．
i gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faultsand i fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....
我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．
i gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....
我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心．
for all of this hard work,
i also gave her a tear to shed.
it is hers to use
whenever needed and
it is her only weakness....
when you see her cry,tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though
she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.因为这些种种的困难， 我也同样赐她流下眼泪，
这是当她在需要时可以使用的，
这是她唯一的软弱之处．．．
当你看到她哭泣的时候，
告诉她你有多么地爱她，
告诉她她为所有人所做的一切，
即使这样她可能还是会哭泣，
但你会使她的心里得到安慰．
she is special!
please send this to women you know, and those with mothers,sisters, and special women in their lives.
她是独特的！
请把这个信息传递给你认识的女人， 有母亲，姐妹和特别的女性在他们生命里的人．
but, also send this to men so they will understand about what a wonderful thing a woman is.篇二：英语演讲幽默开场白
英语演讲幽默开场白
作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.
幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. and so, at this very moment, i’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. and it really works. i no suffer from nervousness. eyestrain. yes
幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常紧张。 我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
personally, i have never been conceited --- and i can’t tell you how much i admire myself for that.
幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我.
我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
let me put this into plain english. i’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？
如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
if you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one i know.
幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。 演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
making a speech is like watering a lawn. you’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.
幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。
幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
before i begin, i want you to know that the following speech has been edited fortelevision. i cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the
game on channel 2.
幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？篇三：幽默英语演讲稿
幽默英语演讲稿
love your mother
爱你的母亲
why are you crying, a young boy asked his mom?
你为什么哭?一个小男孩问他的妈妈.
because im a woman, she told him.
因为我是女人,她告诉他.
i dont understand, he said.
我不明白.他回答
his mom just hugged him and said,
and you never will, but thats o.k........
妈妈拥抱了他说,你永远也不会明白,但没关系...
later the little boy asked his father,
why does mom seem to cry for no reason?.
后来小男孩问他的父亲妈妈为什么似乎在无缘无故的哭泣?
all women cry for no reason, was all his dad could say...... 所有的女人都会常常没有原因地哭泣,这是他的父亲唯一可以解释的...
the little boy grew up and became a man,
still wondering why women cry.
等到小男孩长大,成了男人的时候,他仍然奇怪妈妈为什么哭.
finally he put in a call to god and when god got back to him, he asked god, why do women cry so easily?
最后他把这件事祷告给上帝,他问上帝,为什么女人容易哭泣?
god answered......
上帝回答:
when i made woman,
i decided she had to be special.
i made her shoulders
strong enough to carry
the weight of the world, yet,
当我创造女人的时候,
我决定把她造的很特别,
我让她的双肩强壮的足以能够承担整个世界,但是,
却让她的双臂温柔的足够去安慰他人...
i gave her the inner strength
to endure childbirth
and the rejection
even from her own children.
我给她内在的力量去忍受生产的剧痛,也让她有勇气承受无数的伤害,
甚至这些伤害有时会来自于自己的孩子...
i gave her a hardness
that allows her
to keep going and take care
of her family and friends,
even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without
我给她顽强,让她能够不断地前进,
并且照顾自己的家人和朋友,
甚至当每个人都放弃的时候,
她却能够坚强地在疾病和劳累之时毫无怨言...
i gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances. even when her child has hurt her badly....
she has the very special power to make a childs boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenagers anxieties and fears....
我给她内心的敏感,让她在任何环境下都深爱着自己的孩子.甚至在他们深深伤害她的时候．．． 她用那特别的力量，让年幼孩子的在受伤的时候感到安慰，也能够让年轻的子女消除紧张与恐惧．．．
i gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults and i fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart....
我给她力量关心她的丈夫，尽管他会犯错．我用男人的肋骨创造了女人，使女人可以保护男人的心脏．．．
i gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly....
我给她智慧，让她知道一个好丈夫永远不会伤害他的妻子，但有时候会试炼她坚定的永远跟随自己丈夫的能力与决心．
for all of this hard work,
i also gave her a tear to shed.
it is hers to use
whenever needed and
it is her only weakness....
when you see her cry,tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though
she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good. 因为这些种种的困难， 我也同样赐她流下眼泪，
这是当她在需要时可以使用的，
这是她唯一的软弱之处．．．
当你看到她哭泣的时候，
告诉她你有多么地爱她，
告诉她她为所有人所做的一切，
即使这样她可能还是会哭泣，
但你会使她的心里得到安慰．
she is special!
篇三：简短有趣的英语演讲
英语演讲幽默开场白
作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.
幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. and so, at this very moment, i’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. and it really works. i no suffer from nervousness. eyestrain. yes
幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常
紧张。
我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
personally, i have never been conceited --- and i can’t tell you how much i admire myself for that.
幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我.
我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
let me put this into plain english. i’ll translate it for the lawyers later.幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？
如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
if you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one i know.
幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
making a speech is like watering a lawn. you’re satisfied if just a quar
ter of it sinks in.幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么开始前我想告
诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
before i begin, i want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. i cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.
幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？篇二：简单有趣的英语小故事a new bike
英文：
a new bike
i got a new bike.
it is fast.
i like it.
ho! ho! i got a new car.
it is faster than your bike.
your bike is too slow.
ha! ha! i got a new motorcycle.
it is faster than your car.
your car is too slow.
hee! hee! hee! i got a new airplane.
it is faster than your motorcycle.
your motorcycle is too slow.
i got a new rocket.
it is faster than your airplane.
your airplane is too slow.
my rocket is the fastest.
the airplane is slower than the rocket.
the motorcycle is slower than the airplane.
the car is slower than the motorcycle.
and, my bike is slower than the car.
my bike is the slowest.
but, i dont care!
i got a new yellow bike.
and, i like it.
译文：
一辆新自行车
我有一辆新自行车。
它是快的。
我喜欢它。
嗬！嗬！我有一辆新汽车。
它比你的自行车快。
你的自行车太慢了。
哈！哈！我有一辆新摩托车。
它比你的汽车快。
你的汽车太慢了。
呵！呵！我有一架新飞机。
它比你的摩托车快。
你的摩托车太慢了。
我有一支火箭，
它比你的飞机快多了。
你的飞机太慢了。
我的火箭是最快的。
飞机比火箭慢。
摩托车比飞机慢。
汽车比摩托车慢。
而我的自行车比汽车慢。
但是我不介意。
我有一辆黄颜色的新自行车。
我喜欢它。
beautiful spring
英文：
beautiful spring
beautiful spring is here.
the winter is gone.
but the birds are back.
the snow is gone.
but the flowers are back.
old coats are gone.
but new ones are here.
spring is a beautiful time.
译文：
美丽的春天
春天就在这里。
冬天走了。
而且鸟儿回来。
雪融化了。
而且花儿回来了。
旧衣服走了。
而且新衣服在这里了。
春天是一段美丽的时光。
a wolf had been badly wounded by dogs. he lay sick and maimed in his lair. he felt very hungry and thirsty. when a sheep passed by, he asked him to fetch some water from the stream.
if you bring me the water, he said, i will find means to get some food.
yes, said the sheep, if i bring you the water, you would undoubtedly make me your food.
狼和羊
●狼被狗所咬，伤势很严重，痛苦地躺在巢穴里，不能外出觅食。
●他感到又饿又渴，这时，他看见一只羊，便请求他到附近的小河里为他取一点水来。 ●“你给我一点水解渴”，他说，“我就能自己去寻找食物了。”
●“是呀”，羊回答说，“如果我给你送水喝，那么我就会成为你的食物。”
寓意: 谎言是经不起推敲的，它很容易被人们识破。
one day,a little monkey is playing by the well.
一天，有只小猴子在井边玩儿。
he looks in the well and shouts :
它往井里一瞧，高喊道：
“oh!my god!the moon has fallen into the well!”
“噢！我的天！月亮掉到井里头啦！”
an older monkeys runs over, takes a look,and says,篇三：幽默英语演讲小短文(2分钟的)
as food is to the body, so is learning to the mind. our bodies grow and muscles develop with the intake of adequate nutritious food. likewise, we should keep learning day by day to maintain our keen mental power and expand our intellectual capacity. constant learning supplies us with inexhaustible fuel for driving us to sharpen our power of reasoning, analysis, and judgment. learning incessantly is the surest way to keep pace with the times in the information age, and an infallible warrant of success in times of uncertainty.
学习之于心灵，就像食物之于身体一样。摄取了适量的营养食物，我们的身体得以生长而肌肉得以发达。同样地，我们应该日复一日不断地学习以保持我们敏锐的心智能力，并扩充我们的智力容量。不断的学习提供我们用不尽的燃料，来驱使我们磨利我们的推理、分析和判断的能力。持续的学习是在信息时代中跟时代并驾齐驱的最稳当的方法，也是在变动的世代中成功的可靠保证。
一旦学习停止，单调贫乏的生活就开始了。视学校为汲取知识的唯一场所是种常见的谬误。相反地，学习应该是一种无终止的历程，从生到死。由于世界一直快速地在变动，只要学习停顿数日就将使人落后。更糟的是，蛰伏在我们潜意识深处的兽性本能就会复活，削弱我们追求高贵理想的意志，弱化我们扫除成功障碍的决心，而且扼杀我们净化我们人格的欲望。缺少学习将不可避免地导致心灵的停滞，甚至更糟地，使其僵化。因此，为了保持心理年轻，我们必须将学习当作一生的事业。
2．heavy schoolwork【课业繁重】
in my opinion, the schoolwork now being assigned to high school students is too heavy. while it is true that students need to study, they need other things as well if they are to grow into healthy and well-rounded adults. high should be allowed more time for play. playing is not wasting time, as some think. it gives them physical exercise, and also exercise their imagination. which tends to be stifled by too much study. finally, the pressure put on high school students by excessive schoolwork can cause serious stress, which is unhealthy physically and mentally. i do not advocate the elimination of schoolwork. i do think, however, that a reduction of the current heavy load would be beneficial to students and to the society as a whole.
我认为目前高中生的课业实在太重了，虽然说学生的确应当念书，但是要想长大成为健全的人，他门还需要一些其它的东西，所以应该给高中生较多从事娱乐的时间。娱乐并不如某些人所想的，是在浪费时间，它可以让学生锻炼身体，发挥被繁重课业扼杀的想象力。此外，繁重的课业加诸在高中生身上的压力可能引起严重的情绪紧张，这对身心都有害。我并非主张废除学校课业，但是我认为减
轻目前繁重的课业对于学生和整个社会都是有益的。
3．time【时间】
lost time is never found again. this is something which i learned very clearly last semester. i spent so much time fooling around that my grades began to suffer. i finally realized that something had to be done. it was time for a change.now i have a new plan for using my time wisely. i have set my alarm clock ahead half an hour. this will give me a head start on the day. i have also decided to keep a log of what i do and when i do it. looking back on what i’ve done will give me some ideas on how to reorganize my time.
时光一去不复返，这是我上学期清楚学到的教训。我浪费很多时间四处游荡，以致于我的成绩开始退步。最后我终于了解到我必须有所作为；该是痛改前非的时候了。
现在我有一个明智运用时间的新方法。我已将闹钟早拨半小时，这将使我这一天的作息提前开始。我也决定将我所做的一切及做这些事的时间记录下来。回顾我所做的事情会启发我如何重新安排我的时间。
4．work and play【工作与娱乐】
what i usually do to relax after school is jogging and seeing movies. usually i dont spare time for exercise, but i value the physical education class at school. jogging several rounds in the field certainly relieves the days pressure. on weekends, ill catch the morning movie for my visual enjoyment. i feel revived and energetic for another weeks work-load.
工作与娱乐并不互相冲突，事实上，它们之间的关系还相辅相成。有句格言说：「整日工作而没有休闲娱乐，会令人变得沉闷乏味。」被工作重担压得喘不过气来的生活，将使你一事无成，因为你将对一成不变的例行公事感到厌烦。由另一方面来说，适度的娱乐活动能提供各种管道，来渲泄你被压抑的情绪，减轻单调生活中的紧张与不悦。
放学之后，我最常做的休闲活动，便是慢跑与看电影。通常我并不特地拨出时间来做运动，但是我很重视学校的体育课。在操场上慢跑几圈，无疑地可以减轻一天的压力。在周末时，我都去看早场电影，享受视觉飨宴。如此一来，我将有如再生般的充沛活力，去面对下一星期的工作量。
5．my first job【我的第一份工作】
my first job was at a cramming school. it was three years ago when i just graduated from junior high school and finished the entrance examination. since i had nothing to do that summer, i decided to find a job, tasting the joy of independence.i was responsible for answering the telephone and taking the message. i worked eight hours a day, six days a week. the work was not difficult nor heavy to me and i guess i did well. the most delighted thing was perhaps that i could spend the money i earned all by myself.
我的第一份工作是在一家补习班做事。那是三年前我刚从国中毕业，考完联考时的事了。既然我那整个夏天都闲着没事，倒不如找份差事，尝尝独立赚钱的快乐。
我负责接听电话且纪录留言的工作。我一天工作八小时，一星期工作六天。那份工作对